harness Authenticity Without Oversharing
One of the things people compliment me on the most is my “authenticity” online. I’m real and I tell it like it is, and I’m told it’s “refreshing.”
It’s something I pride myself in, not only my ability to do this for myself, but in my ability to help others do the same.
I’m a master at analyzing a brand or business, figuring out their secret sauce, what makes them compelling, and translating that into logos and images and copy and experiences and offerings that get their audience locked activated as fuck.
My own ability to do this with my audience (that’s you!) has been so fulfilling to me. I have been very open and “real” online in a way that has drawn in like-minded observers and turned them into true friends. The internet is amazing that way.
I have also been guilty of oversharing online.
Fam, I made a whole ass podcast about a very painful breakup. Two seasons. Hour-long episodes. Openly weeping into a microphone.
It’s been almost six years since I published that first episode, and my feelings about it now have shifted so much that I hardly recognize the me who wanted to make this podcast in the first place.
I made the mistake many of us do when trying to strike the delicate balance between “authenticity” and “oversharing.” In my attempt to be “transparent,” I exposed myself in a way I later came to regret.
Looking back, I wanted my listeners, my friends and my community to have a front-row seat to the pain I was in so that it felt real to me. The breakup was so sudden and out of left field for me that sharing my side of the story with our 400+ listeners per episode made me feel less alone. That wasn’t a very good reason to share very personal and vulnerable parts of myself. I wish I had been more protective of myself and my story.
On top of that, my oversharing opened the floodgates to a lot more oversharing. Every time we published a new episode, my DMs would be filled with messages from other women who wanted to share their traumatic breakup stories and experiences.
So many volunteered to come on the podcast and share their personal tragedies with our rapt audience. It felt really bad for me, if I’m being honest, because I didn’t see the podcast as a “breakup” podcast, I saw it as a mechanism for healing. It was titled How to Deal because I was learning how to survive and move on. I didn’t want to latch onto my pain and live in it forever.
Fortunately, I also connected with some really cool people who didn’t want to trauma dump but who wanted to let me know they’d been there too (if you’re reading this, I love you!)
Those messages felt so much better to receive and so much lighter. I could actually respond in a way that didn’t put me in the role of de facto therapist. Those messages showed me there’s a way to express vulnerability and foster connection without making strangers uncomfortable. That it’s possible to share emotional truths without costing me my privacy.
I think we can start to sort this out with a few working definitions. Allow me.
Transparency: the quality of being easy to perceive or detect, the quality of being open to public scrutiny.
Oversharing: the disclosure of an inappropriate amount of detail about one's personal life.
Authenticity: of undisputed origin, genuine.
“Transparency” to me has a businesslike connotation. Perhaps it should be reserved for elected officials or public figures of significant influence. “Transparency” means disclosing information that may help someone make a decision about how or if they choose to support you. It opens you up to public scrutiny. For example, if you donate a percentage of your profits to a certain organization, it could be important and maybe even required that you share that information with your audience so they can decide if they want to spend their money with you.
“Oversharing” bears the connotation of social impropriety, an inability to read the room. To share in a way that feels warm and inviting to your audience means understanding them and their capacity to bear the information you’re telling them. There’s a fine line between giving context in a story and oversharing. What may feel like just the right amount of context to share to a close friend may be TMI in a more professional or formal setting.
Compared to “transparency” and “oversharing,” “authenticity” just feels different. We know it when we see it. I’ve found authenticity can shine through when three key factors align:
Understanding your audience
Being honest about your intent
Distance from the thing
I got all three of these dead wrong when I made How to Deal.
I chose the wrong audience. What should have been a thing I shared with my close friends and family became “content” for public consumption and all of the opinions and visibility that comes with it.
My intent was misguided. I wanted a creative distraction, to turn my pain into art and to use that art to connect with others. But I also wanted to seek catharsis by airing my dirty laundry and letting everyone know I WAS WRONGED. It was selfish and self-pitying.
I was too close to the thing. By that, I mean I was in that moment living through it. I was living out of a suitcase, navigating rebuilding my whole life while also trying to process it externally on a podcast. Sharing about this time in hindsight probably would have made for an even better piece of art.
By not considering my audience, having an unclear intent and zero distance from the thing, I found myself in the oversharing camp, nursing a vulnerability hangover years later.
And now, I try to help my clients when they are faced with similar questions. Here are the ones that come up in one-on-one sessions most often:
Should I post about my kids/partner/family life online?
Should I share the ups and downs of business ownership online?
Should I be honest about my medical issues online?
You’re the only person who can answer these questions for yourself, but if you want to make these kinds of choices and feel like you’re coming from a place of authenticity, I might have some insight.
Should I share the ups and downs of business ownership online?
Perhaps you get a bad online review. Maybe a client ghosts you. Possibly you’re having a really slow month.
I see too many business owners immediately turn to their social platforms to share these stories. These are often the same business owners that struggle to share their wins, their triumphs, their feature in the local magazine or the award they won. I SAID IT!
Let’s work through this one together.
First, audience. Decide if this rant belongs online or in your group chat. Your online audience is likely made up with people who love your product, your shop or your service. There may be fellow business owners tuning in, but your primary audience is people you’re selling to. Do they need to be embroiled in the details of your business drama? It might temporarily garner some engagement, but does that make them want to continue to spend money with you?
Next, intent. Be honest about your intent. Are you trying to be a whistleblower? Warn others or teach them something? Are you trying to garner sympathy or pity? Are you being shady? Are you asking for help? Is there a more effective way to get your needs met without oversharing online about it?
Last, distance. Is the thing you’re riled up about actively unfolding? Can you gift yourself the time and emotional space to think through your feelings and draw conclusions that could be valuable or insightful to your audience?
Let me tell you what happens 99% of the time. I see really smart business people oversharing with the wrong audience (their customers) when they should be sharing with their group chat.
“I want pity because of this unfair review”, “I want to call out this bad client,” and “I want to guilt people into spending money with me” starts to get confused with “transparency.”
I see people actively in a spiral sharing it in real time to the shock and discomfort of their audience. It turns people off. If you lose their trust, you lose their business.
Sometimes when we think we are being transparent or authentic, we are actually just on the defensive or justifying our actions. Defensiveness masquerades as transparency.
Your audience likely doesn’t need your transparency. What you owe is honesty and integrity when it counts.
If you’ve overshared online in the past, you’re in good company. I look back and cringe at so many of the things I’ve shared on the internet in the past 20 or so years of being chronically online.
I’m still learning what feels good for me, and I hope my thoughts on all of this inspire you to reassess the ways you show up online and how well they’re serving you in your goals.
I’d love to hear from you if this is something you’re struggling with or have struggled with in the past. Feel free to comment or send me a DM @sacredobscene to continue this conversation.